I often wondered why some people got to live the life I wanted or do certain things in life. Why my ideas weren’t good enough, why I didn’t do that first or sooner. The answers where simple, I never did anything TO get them done. Allowed myself to get “comfortable” and get at ease with whatever was in front of me. Not that it was anyone’s fault, I allowed myself to be ok with taking that was given versus going for the golden ring. Instead of doing what I needed to do, I thought it would all turn out in the end. Or I had tomorrow to do it and that became tomorrow into next week and then whenever. It’s one thing to want a goal in life; it’s another to do it. With all that I’ve done in life, and I’ve done a lot of great things and worked with a lot of amazing people, there is more. And like Anthony Bourdain, I’m hungry for more.
I’ve had this hunger for years, just never acted on them in a productive way. I became content with “the meal” I was given and allowed my hunger to go away. It took a shock to the system to remind me why you should have a constant hunger and never let that go. Due to recent, well… events, I feel like I have less time to play around with and I’ve allowed myself into the very false sense of security of what my life is and what it’s about. For the longest I’ve had this idea of what life is and that’s now gone. Without great detail, I have suffered a huge fall and now I’m left with a lot of broken pieces.
With that, I believe that now is the time for me to really take stock in every thing and also get all my shit together. Not that it will be easy, 10 plus years of “ugh” doesn’t change over night. Typing a few words won’t get me where I want to go, where I believe I should be. However it’s a start and the only way I will get to where I need to be is to put one foot in front of the other and get to stepping.
And there is the problem I have and have had in life for years; fear of the unknown. I know can be a procrastinator, been battling that for years. If it’s work, I’m solid. Once I come home… Well it’s a different story. But that’s half the problem, the other half is the fear of the unknown. The fear of failure. It’s the reason I’ve put off so many things and haven’t stepped outside my comfort zone in years. It’s why I have the same schedule everyday without fail, the reason I don’t experience new things, the reason I’m at the same place in my life when there is so much more to do and explore.
So what’s the plan? First is to actual DO SOMETHING. So far it’s a win, so let’s get down and do the “victory dance.” Now that’s out the way, the goal is to do something everyday. Each day something has to be done, nothing big, damn sure nothing small. However I have stay moving because like my favorite animal, if you aren’t moving to satisfy that hunger, you are dead. And I’m no use to my boy dead, physically, spiritually, emotionally, or mentally. Write out the agenda for the week, with set days to do key things. Make the time to do them all and if/when needed, ask for help. Something I don’t do enough of and often when I’ve bashed my head against the wall too much. I’ve had my head bashed in enough, time to use it for something else beyond the sledgehammer.
So let’s think of this as the “pre-manifesto.” The last time I drafted a manifesto was sometime ago, it was actually pretty damn effective. Right now it’s really about getting things done and the right way; and to use the anger inside to get this done. This anger, this depression, and this void I have; I’ll be honest, I’m hurting. Hurting real bad and it’s going to be like this for a long time. But if I can be productive while working through this, perhaps I can gain some sort of victory in more ways that one. Right now I need all the victories I can get.
